Archive for April, 2010

Dracula Reviews #1

Posted in dracula reviews, reviews, skeletons on April 14, 2010 by Samuel K the Best


Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em. For better or for worse, Draculas are always going to be a part of our everyday life! A man only has so much time of the day to devote to Draculing, and he doesn’t want to waste that time with second-rate Draculas!

That’s where I come in. I personally spend some time with each Dracula I encounter so that you don’t have to!

Each Dracula is graded on a scale from 1-5 Gnashing Fangs.

Dracula #1

"Ooh, I'm so melancholy and distuuurbed pay attention to meeeee..."

Uch. We really got off on the wrong foot here. Look at this asshole. Do people actually lounge around like that, tapping  long black fingernails on a glass of wine (blood???) sitting next to them on the floor? I get the feeling he was just laying around like that for hours, waiting for somebody to show up so he could look weary for them.

Young Draculas always feel the need to act all moody and dramatic. They think it makes them unique. Spoiler Alert: You’re not cool dude. You just look like an idiot. What’s with the fruity getup? He’s one ruffle in that shirt away from saying,  “Blah blah, I VANT to SUCK your DICK!”

I can’t be too hard on the kid, though. I’m sure he’s going to grow out of this phase he’s going through.

My Ruling: One set of Gnashing Fangs out of Five.

Dracula #2

This Drac knows how to party...!

Now we’re talkin’! Check this guy out. You don’t see too many pudgy Draculas! Note his thinning hair and distinct lack of a widow’s peak. This is the rolly-polly jolly kind of Drac you just can’t pass up!

Chill with this Dracula and you’ve got a pal for life. He’s the Drac on the Block (DotB) who’s always up for a good time. He comes over all inviting you to the Midnight Neighborhood Block Party and you can’t help but accept! You show up with some beers but Drac’s trying to cut back. Full of class, the dude’s all, “I don’t drink… Coors Lite!” and there’s a super loud clap of thunder.

Awesome Dracula. Five Gnashing Fangs.

Dracula #3

Unbelievable Trickster Bastard (UTB)

Aha! A Babydrac! This is what Draculas look like before they grow up! As you can see, he’s just begun… wait a second. WAIT A CONSARNED MINUTE! That widow’s peak isn’t real! Those fangs are just painted on! CHARLATAN!!

I see what’s going on here! Try to get one over on ol’ Samuel K, huh!? Well not today, buddy. You better get up pretty early in the morning if you want to get one past me! What do you think I am? Some kind of dumb idiot? Well I got news for you, buddy: IM READY TO TAKE THIS DOWNTOWN!!

Try to throw a wet blanket on my journalistic integrity willya? I have one thing to say to that!!

... and the horse you rode in on!!